Most of you don't know me, I was the 'pain-in-jeremy's ass :-) I was the one who b*tched when he left town for Biscuit shows (sorry 'bout that, I was selfish of his attention), you might remember I showed up to one show in Seattle in my Tigger PJ's :-P BUT he was My Hero, allways...
"Its you and me against the world" It was from the very first day, when we left a Rave to climb that tree in some random neighborhood in some random yard and talked until people started waking up and coming out of their houses. And he asked me to come home with him and watch Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas on DVD. Then we didn't leave the house for three days. Just hung out and ordered pizza in... I told him right then I was going to make him adopt me...
He told me it was at the May 12th/13th show during the Hot Air Balloon the year that we met that he realized he was in love with me...
Just the weekend before we were at a party and I sat in his lap and he was looking around at our friends "Look at Mat, he's trying to make what we have" (Mat married haistily) and "Tony is trying to buy it," (trying to impress strippers with his money and machismo.) "Look around at all of them (you know the scene single people bumping and posing and feeling each other out) They are here looking for what we allready have, each other, True Love. You and me, forever." Oh God! at the time I thought he was just being silly and mushy, and I was only half listening to him... I was even thinking I didn't want him hugging me so tightly because it was kind of hot and crowded in the room and we were both sweaty.
This is so hard for me,
I stayed with him as long as they would let me, running my fingers thru his hair holding my cheek to his, hugging him, kissing his cold forhead, his cold cold lips, i stayed with him until they forced me away to start the services, he was so cold, and yet still looked like he might at any second 'wake up' but he'll never wake up, he went to sleep and he'll never wake up.
I Watched them close the casket on the love of my life.
There were so many people at the funeral (over 200) that there were not enuff seats there were people standing leaking out into every hallways for him, he was so loved... My poor hero, he was an arrogant twit but underneath it all, I don't think he really believed that anyone 'really' knew or loved him. I hope he was there, I hope he saw.
I watched them lower the casket into the ground, they spoke prayers in hebrew that I did not understand, it does not matter because I will never understand. God gives and god takes... How can I explain that to my daughter who I can barely care for myself, why her own mother cannot hold her without feeling such pain and faintness in my stomach I'm afraid I will drop her. Who will play bouncy baby, and Robot Sky with her now?
My daughter took the dirt from Jeruselum from my hand and together we dropped it on the lowered casket and whispered
Monday I have to go back to the house where we were beginning our life together, myself and my daughter, to start living again and I just don't know how I am going to do that... (I WILL have you all know there is a big framed photo-negative of the Biscuits on our bedroom wall)
Thank you all for your condolences your memories and your love, and especially those of you who have contacted me, but I would like to ask that someone help me collect the threads and things that he wrote and were wrote about him to put together into some kind of book for Sky. I wouldn't even know where to start...
She DOES look just like him, and babbles non-stop :-) not a shy bone in her little body... And she loves Drum Circles and classical music. And she is sitting right now in her playpen with 'Blerm', those of you who do remember me and Jeremy 'together' will remember Blerm, our little Trip-son. :-)Ethan Schwartz
Jamie and David Wainland